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Entry tags:	friends

My lover I don't have to love (they do exist! :D)
Well, I guess it's time to explain a little of what has been going on or else I'll end up being called 'the emo on my friends list'. D:

I dunno if the newbies on my friends list know about Sanna so I'mma explain a little about her. She's my best friend and lives in Sweden while I live in Germany. She has some ... problems? Including an ex-girlfriend who never really left and the burning desire to put her hair stylist scissors to another use than creating pretty hair styles.

The last time we saw each other in person was last August; I should be with her right about now, but as you may or may not know I can't.
Ever since my last stay with her things ... changed. She was graduating and this whole girlfriend wank was going on, but yeah. I often felt abandoned by her and we argued about that once or twice.

Last year, at the con in Örebro (who for some fucked up reason keeps sending me invitations to come again O__o;;;), I ran out on her, going to the bus station to go back to Stockholm and never return.

I didn't.

I came back for her and that's the crucial thing. I CAME BACK!

Anyway, the last time we talked to each other online was in late May. And exactly one week ago she sent me this (her English is much better when she's a.) not depressed b.) not writing it):

so I guess you hate me by now... wouldn't really blame you either, I'm haven't spoken to you in ages. I do apologize for this and that I let it go this far, I never ment it to be like that.
I did try to go online on msn once. However I paniced once everybody started writing. I don't even know why but it made me sick as hell. It's not like me for panic for something that isn't even frightning... my body and mind has been acting weird lately but... I don't know, I don't have any explonation. I know I should have sent you this mail a long time ago, and I am truly sorry that I didn't.
I did what I told you I wouldn't. I ran away once again and shut myself off from others. I hate myself for doing that and I don't really know how to get out of this situation. I guess it's a start by sending you this mail...
I don't think 'sorry' will be enough. I don't think anything will.
And I understand if you don't wanna write me back, I failed you.
If you still want the movie, just send me a mail and I'll give you the bank thing.
I hope you're okay.
Love
/Sanna


I seriously don't know how to reply to this.

She's right with everything she said and yet ... I don't think I could bring myself to hate her, even if I tried.

I don't know how to reply to this either because what I want to do, what I really want to do is call her stupid fuck (one of my adorable nick names for her. <.< And trust me, mine aren't better), hug her and never let go.

I miss her because she is one of the few people I actually love having in my life. The first time we met ... it was magical. It was like we were two halves that fit together.

We kiss, we hug, we grope. We're like a couple and yet we aren't.

She's my lover I don't have to love.

I do love her, yes, but not that way.

That way is painful.

For Sanna, for me and it's moments like this that I wish I could a.) bring myself to love her and b.) move in with her like we wanted to.

Enough of this.

I think I know what to do. Don't hate me for posting this. I trust the people reading this enough so please, try to do the same.